handjob tips. give me some.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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