I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
