I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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