if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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