But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
