So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
