I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize