True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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