my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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