Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
