Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize