there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I will pee on everything he values.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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