So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
