Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
