I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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