Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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