The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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