I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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