god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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