she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
