You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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