what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My cat gives me a boner
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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