my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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