What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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