My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
