A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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