I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
