if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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