Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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