Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
