when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
