I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
