Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I supernannyed him into submission
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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