i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
