That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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