Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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