2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he shaved USA in his pubs
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
