he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
