I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
