I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
