she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
