If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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