lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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