I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize