he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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