1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
