I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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