I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
