Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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