I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize