I wish I only lived at night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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