you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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