Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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