I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
