I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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