I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
