Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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