This is not my ceiling
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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