how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
