don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
