My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
