so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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